CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
