So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
