ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Bring me that man meat
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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