We're facebook friends in real life
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
