Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
