You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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