and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
