You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize