If i come over, it means nothing
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
