I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
