note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
