The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
