There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
