HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
