I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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