I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
