I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
