i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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