she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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