tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
