he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
