I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
