a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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