trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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