I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
