I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
