I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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