YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
