I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
