I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
