thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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