Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize