This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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