so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's blow job season.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize