Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
