Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
