I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
