I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
