Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize