At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
