OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
