my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
