Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
