It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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