Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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