Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
