Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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