She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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