I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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