There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I lost the right to judge tonight
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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