I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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