My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
