I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
