Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
