look no pants
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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