Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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