If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it because I queefed?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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