he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
