I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't notice because vodka
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
