I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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