Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
