god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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