Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
