what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
