well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
