If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
