Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
