Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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