Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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