oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
